A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Coliseum

Well I just got back from the new Harry Potter which my buddy treated me to. Not that I was dying to see it or anything, but it was good especially due to the fact that they decided to leave the story in this time. Earlier I went with my niece to see the Night At the Museum sequel which was a fairly soul crushing experience. Unless your kids are dying to see it you might want to avoid having your eyes raped for two hours.

Saturday I had some old friends for a visit. To think I have "old friends" who come from other places to visit. Marvelous! We basically turned my little room into a mini recording studio, and spent the entire night getting wasted, and recording random bits of music and sound. Random being the operating word here. Good times!

I have to admit that even one such as I was stumped with trying to figure out how to make this mess into a cohesive whole. I was just about to throw in the towel when it hit me. What hit me? Well you'll find out sooner or later, but not before. Let's just say you won't expect it. Maybe you won't like it, but you won't expect it.

Adios mother fuckers.

The Code Is Red. Long Live The Code

Got to love that Canadian Healthcare. Go Obama!

A Tribute To Martin Luther King Jr.

(This is yet another of my old Angry Rant articles which was featured on or around Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I don't remember when that is so if you're like me and are too lazy to look it up then just make up a date. I will say this article is a double edged sword as it is one of the funniest things I have ever written, but also one of the most off color (zing!). So don't hate me or report me. It's just a joke, and I was paid to do it.)

Being a white devil I know little about black history. Aside from peanut butter, and having to sit through years of Saturday morning PSA’s featuring Maya Angelou’s horrendous and self righteously smug poetry, I’m practically in the dark (no pun intended) about black history. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist. I was forced to watch Roots once in high school, and I stayed awake through at least a third of it, plus I own the soundtrack to the Wiz on vinyl (which is the way elite music professionals such as myself prefer it).

The fact is I’m a man of German/Slovakian decent who was raised Jewish, grew up going to a Jewish school, and attending temple every Friday. Every other millisecond of my early life was spent having the Holocaust rammed down my throat. As a result of having the perpetual guilt and shame of another culture shoved in my face I developed a sort of insensitivity to other cultures. So don’t blame me, blame the Jews. Hell, every one else does.

Being that today is Martin Luther King Jr. day I figured I would amend my woe begotten ways and delve into the rich tapestry that was this great man's life. Unfortunately I’m very lazy so I’m going to have to go off of what I can remember from High School and make up the rest.

The Life of Martin Luther King Jr.

(Or possibly Scatman John… I‘m not sure which)

Martin Luther King Jr. was born in El Monte, California on March 13, 1942. He was born with a severe stutter which I think caused him to get into the whole black struggle thing, you know, so he could empower himself. Over the course of his life he had accomplished many things, and was eventually immortalized in the film The Pagemaster where he was voiced by Macaulay Culkin.

Aside from his many eloquent speeches and a push towards a non violent solution to the black equality thing, further contributions include:

1) Pilates

2) The Congressional Medal of Honor

3) The Autobiography of Martin Luther King Jr.

He also had a hit song, “I’m the Scatman” which remains popular in German dance clubs to this day.

At 6:01 pm, on April 4th 1968 Martin Luther King Jr. was attacked by dragons while standing on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis. He fought fiercely and as brave as (if not more so) than any white man. He was left critically wounded where, with his last dying breath, he gave the now famous, “I Have a Dream” speech that they play on Nickelodeon constantly during the month of February.

According to the section entitled “Allegations of Conspiracy” in the Wikipedia article (of which I unfortunately only read the title) some people think that dark forces were behind the assassination, probably the FBI because who else would have access to dragons? He will live forever in the hearts and memories of Americans through out the rest of the time America is around and probably past that. Also there’s a picture of his face painted on side of a liquor store in my neighborhood.

If anything I’ve written here is inaccurate I sincerely apologize, as I went to a public High School, and as I mentioned before my younger years were spent attending a Messianic Jewish private school. I do know that it was great men like Mr. King that were literally responsible for a necessary evolution in our nation’s history. His push towards a non violent solution, and an attitude of empowerment, not victimization, helped to make our country into a place of great diversity and cultural… what ever. I honestly do get all teary eyed when I hear the man speak, a lot like I do when I watch movie trailers for war films. You may think that makes me gay, but if having a deep respect for a great man, and war movies, makes me gay then so be it.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

“A bene placito"

The Giant Squid Contention

(Here's one of my favorite Angry Rant articles that was published around 07/27/07)

This week another so called “giant squid” was caught off of the coast of New Zealand. Unlike last year’s disappointing squid news this one claims to be the genuine article, but is it the really? First off, let’s consider what it takes to be truly giant. Giant isn’t just a word to be bandied about like man-on-man love at the Democratic National Convention. We got to consider what makes a giant squid, a giant squid.

Personally, I don’t consider anything to be giant unless it can knock down a building. Now the squid in question is 30 feet long and weights roughly 990 pounds. That’s fairly impressive, but falls short of giant by a long shot. Whereas a squid that size could eat a full grown man or maybe a cow and might even be able to crush a go kart, it won’t be smashing any buildings. Nice try, New Zealand.

We all know that if a truly giant squid was ever caught , it will be by Americans. We do it big in the U.S. of A, and I know in my heart that when we finally catch a giant squid it will start waving around the American flag as it smashes down buildings and tramples over innocents… for America. Then we can finally fulfill our country’s destiny and do what all nations have longed to do since the dawn of civilization; build a giant robotic replica of the monster in order to fight it.

Think about it people. A giant flag waving squid doing battle against a robot squid that can shoot like huge fucking diamond bald eagles out of its metal suction cups. They would interlock and use their tentacles to smash buildings over each other’s heads, and woman’s tops would fly off as they battle in the South because the South is way patriotic to the max.


Then the robot squid would be all kicking the ass off the real squid because it shoots lasers and shit, until the real squid hulks up and finally smashes the shit out of that thing. Then the giant squid would look down upon us, a single tear rolling down its cheek, to let us know that it was our own hubris that led us down this dark path.

Then all the children will sing a song to remember the squid, as he swims off into the sunset with his squid pups, and every nation in the world would learn to adhere to the Kyoto Protocol despite it being stupid, then eventually America will make some kind of anti-nuclear device from squid DNA and become a million times more awesome, making other countries even more jealous, and then they would build a time machine and go back to the past and try to stop us from developing the squid DNA weapon while posing as space aliens that came here to stop us from destroying our environment. Of course, we’ll discover their plans since we’re Americans, and we’ll go back further in time and do some science shit and make like a mega-ultra fucking super squid 2000 that’s totally pissed off, and we’ll have to build an even bigger robot to fight it.

God bless American!

A Special Cartoon For You

A friend of mine drew this, and since he has no access to the internet I told him I would post it for him. You can say what you want about me, but this one is hilarious for all kinds of different reasons. Click to enlarge.

Race and Culture Through Out American History

It’s a fairly rare phenomenon that I am ever proven wrong. Being an expert genius I’m knowledgeable on a variety of subjects that run across the board, but alas I am not infallible. Recently, I was hanging out with some friends of mine when a certain African-American gentlemen brought up some of the racially charged jokes featured on the site. He felt that I had pushed the limits of bit, which I found odd because I was being more “middle of the road” at least compared to my normal comedic sensibilities.

I asked him what exactly he offensive, and he began an inflated critique of some of the jokes contained within. At first I was a bit puzzled by his offense, considering I’ve known him since the 1st grade. And the sheer scope and magnitude of his racist tirades (at least in terms of volume) might possibly rival the collected works of all Western literature.

Of course, my Latin friends who were present felt the need to point out that would soon be taking over this country, and it didn’t matter what either of us had to say about it. Being the helpful person I am, I in turn pointed out the fact that the United States is still about 75 percent non-Hispanic Caucasian (as my last few employment forms labeled me), and in the coming race war I will be gleefully skewering their charred and vile corpses on the pikes that will adorn our streets.

The discussion went on for several more minutes when it was finally ended by my African-American friend declaring that it was only a matter of before people took this “bitch” over. According to his theory, blacks had taken over the entertainment and sports industries, so of course total world dominations was just a step away. This puzzles both I and my Latin friends (whose ancestors were great conquerors in this land before mine ravaged their civilizations… well technically not mine since they were German horse thieves, indentured servants, and Slovaks so the only things they’ve ever mastered were spiraling unemployment and over-sized mustaches).

My Latin friend,(whom I shall call El Chalupa Grande for brevities sake) stated that my African friend (who from here shall be known as Lemon Pepper Chicken Johnson) might just have confused priorities. I pointed that conquering and running a civilization might have little to do with releasing a hit rap single about clothes and bitches, and bitches wearing clothes or slowly ruining professional sports… but I was wrong.

As every one should know the history of any particular people or country is made up of complex social and economic interactions that take over centuries. Western civilization in particular has a rich history of conquest (aboriginal, colonial, and so on), immigration, integration, trade, conflict, settlement, exploration, and hot-assed electronic beats. So is it any wonder than certain aspects of any peoples rise to greatness may get lost in the pages of time? Utilizing both the internet and a cat like curiosity, I have managed to piece together true story of Europe’s conquest of the Americas, proving my friend Mr. Lemmon Pepper Chicken Johnson was actually correct.

Rather than begin with the wider and more complex integration of those that colonized this country, let’s begin with the origins of the name itself. It is a widely accepted belief that that the German cartographer Martin Waldseemuller named the America’s after the explorer Amerigo Vespucci. Vespucci is known primarily for being the first to state that what is now “America”, or “Amerikkka” if you’re an idiot, was in fact a new previously undiscovered territory, and not a part of the Indies as was the more common belief. It was this belief that Vespucci so eloquently stated in his hit rap single “A New World of Booty” that inspired Waldseemuller to honor him so. Some historians even site carious journal entries where Waldseemuller quotes such lines as:

“Lyrically dropping fools like Leonidas
My dick so big give you gingivitis”

It is often believed that Europe’s conquest of America came from superior fire power, plus three swords, and other technologies, but a deeper look into the matter shows that it may have been far more systematic than we originally thought. In fact, the conquest by the Spanish may very well have been more of an issue of false pride, and not one of pure greed.

It is known that at the time there was an abundant of certain mineral resources, and luckily no environmentalists or celebrities to stop any one from gathering them. The native tribes where rich in gold and other metals valued by the European’s, but they did not want to share. It was Columbus himself who ina communiqué to Queen Isabella:

“These ragged ass bitches be drownin’ in blizing! I done been here for months now, and I see every one of these fools with a different chain every day of the week. Fuck these bitch ass mother fuckers! I’m Columbus! If you don’t know me you better ask somebody!”

The various tribes of America were proud strong peoples, and (as we so often see in Disney Movies) able to utilize wolf magic, and shoot spirit bears from their chests. The simple mechanical weapons of the Europeans would be no match for this so they took a more subtle approach.

Immediately the would-be conquerors began importing boat loads of neo-soul and Indy Rock musicians, basketball players, and spoken word poets. With shows like “Aboriginal Idol” and “CSI: West Indies” it was barely any time at all before the aboriginal tribes were lulled into a state of near retardation. The way was not paved for a direct attack, and it was a simple matter of force from there on.

The rest of America’s conquest is filled with similar examples. The Native American tribes to the west allowed themselves to be herded onto reservations with the promise of their own reality show, and a feature film with a production credit and two points on the back end. The South succeeded from the Union, but was ultimately defeated by the North’s excess of superior beat boxers and sulky female folk artists.

So you see, America is a nation that was not conquered by the force or superior will, but mindless entertainment. Very similar to the way Jews and homosexuals are doing it to people in modern times. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a “Real World” marathon I need to catch.

They Were Expendable

As per the request of my friend I will be posting old Angry Rant articles. For any one who might read this, but isn't familiar; angry rant was a comedy website which I wrote for that lasted about a year until it's untimely demise. Translating some of the articles will take time as some are saved in old windows office formats, and others are pasted into emails which means I need to retype them as copy and past makes them come out weird for some reason. So all in good time.

Also in case you were wondering I did not write the text of my previous post about America I simply copied it from the North Korean YouTube channel. What a world.

New business aside I went thrift storing, and found a place in Miami that had the most incredible treasure trove of PC games I have ever seen. Seriously, if I had money I would have bought everything. Instead I bummed a couple bucks and got Free Lancer with the instruction manual, and Redguard with the manual.

Twas then that I came back, and since it was rainy enough, I watched They Were Expendable directed by John Ford and starring The Duke. My honest opinion is that it was a film that bordered on greatness, but was held back by being overly long, and a lack of solid characterization.

There's a moment where John Wayne and Donna Reed are sitting on a hammock together making romance when the bombs begin to go off in the distance, and the two of them suddenly get this glazed and distant look on their faces. Personally I would have liked to know more about the characters, and understood what had brought them to that point. Perhaps it didn't need to be said as the film came out just after the end of the second world war.

The film is stylistically similar to My Darling Clementine (also directed by Ford) which would be released a year later. It has a wonderful, and almost eerie film noir look with broad shadows punctuated by dull streams of light, and smokey and burned out sets during the day. It's also worth mentioning that it had some of the most realistic, and spectacular battle sequences I've ever seen. Definitely a must watch for any fan of Wayne or Ford's work.

And here's one my rare video posts that aren't weird.