The Mold Chronicals Part Two: Reaching Into The Outer Rim Of The Consciouse Embrace. The Unholy Alligator!

“This is the ping pong room. As you can see they’re playing some ping pong”

- A 13 year old kid on MTV Teen Cribs

Dear William Pitt,

I realize that you have been dead for a very long time, but seeing as we are related I thought that it would still be inconsiderate not to write you. As you can probably see from your iron fortress in hell that I am living in a hotel. I must admit I am beginning to like the idea of it more and more. I feel like I am no longer anchored to society. This has freed me creatively though my sense of humor seems to be regressing a bit. I think that when I become famous from my demon space noise music I will live in a hotel under the assumed name Claude Fartmatress.

Any who… after moving what little I could from my apartment I lounged around a bit and then went to Ikea. I have never been to Ikea before, but I’ve heard a lot about it. I remember watching news stories about people camping outside of it when it first opened.

So as I walked in I was handed a map, a catalogue, and a tiny pencil. I admit that the place was amazing. It was like the Noah’s Ark of furniture. In fact I felt like I was in some kind of crazy post modern furniture museum. The prices were reasonable, and they even serve baby back ribs on Wednesdays! Fuck yeah! I then went to the cafeteria and ate what I thought was a buffalo chicken wrap, but realized too late that it was a vegetable wrap. If God wanted us to be vegetarians why, my dear William, did he make them taste boiled crotch stuffed in a luminescent buffalo turd?

After that I purchased beer, and watched Miss Marple. When it was over I built a blanket fortress, but there was only one chair in the room so it looked like shit. I then crawled under it, and spend a half hour eating pretzels out of a shoe.

Oh you know the funny thing about Ikea that I forgot to mention? They have these thick plastic sheets screwed into the mouth of each toilet so you can’t piss in them. I wonder if they planned for that originally or if it became a necessity at some point.

Did you know?

“Let's say you are washing your hands in the men's room at the local airport when a government official
walks in and enters a booth. It's early in the morning and the airport isn't crowded. You are the only other
person in the wash room. It's a perfect chance to take out the man who just signed an order forcing the
confiscation of five thousand family dwellings and the relocation of the owners in holding camps. Can you do it?”

Neither did I! Black people?

Yours Sincerely,

James Tiberius 97


Pros so far: Towels smell like caramel, Ikeas is the shit and their food is pretty cheap and good, I farted, and I have a guitar now.

Cons so far: I don’t know what Courtney said to Lashana, but I am not a nice guy, E channel, and every other channel.