The Giant Squid Contention

(Here's one of my favorite Angry Rant articles that was published around 07/27/07)

This week another so called “giant squid” was caught off of the coast of New Zealand. Unlike last year’s disappointing squid news this one claims to be the genuine article, but is it the really? First off, let’s consider what it takes to be truly giant. Giant isn’t just a word to be bandied about like man-on-man love at the Democratic National Convention. We got to consider what makes a giant squid, a giant squid.

Personally, I don’t consider anything to be giant unless it can knock down a building. Now the squid in question is 30 feet long and weights roughly 990 pounds. That’s fairly impressive, but falls short of giant by a long shot. Whereas a squid that size could eat a full grown man or maybe a cow and might even be able to crush a go kart, it won’t be smashing any buildings. Nice try, New Zealand.

We all know that if a truly giant squid was ever caught , it will be by Americans. We do it big in the U.S. of A, and I know in my heart that when we finally catch a giant squid it will start waving around the American flag as it smashes down buildings and tramples over innocents… for America. Then we can finally fulfill our country’s destiny and do what all nations have longed to do since the dawn of civilization; build a giant robotic replica of the monster in order to fight it.

Think about it people. A giant flag waving squid doing battle against a robot squid that can shoot like huge fucking diamond bald eagles out of its metal suction cups. They would interlock and use their tentacles to smash buildings over each other’s heads, and woman’s tops would fly off as they battle in the South because the South is way patriotic to the max.


Then the robot squid would be all kicking the ass off the real squid because it shoots lasers and shit, until the real squid hulks up and finally smashes the shit out of that thing. Then the giant squid would look down upon us, a single tear rolling down its cheek, to let us know that it was our own hubris that led us down this dark path.

Then all the children will sing a song to remember the squid, as he swims off into the sunset with his squid pups, and every nation in the world would learn to adhere to the Kyoto Protocol despite it being stupid, then eventually America will make some kind of anti-nuclear device from squid DNA and become a million times more awesome, making other countries even more jealous, and then they would build a time machine and go back to the past and try to stop us from developing the squid DNA weapon while posing as space aliens that came here to stop us from destroying our environment. Of course, we’ll discover their plans since we’re Americans, and we’ll go back further in time and do some science shit and make like a mega-ultra fucking super squid 2000 that’s totally pissed off, and we’ll have to build an even bigger robot to fight it.

God bless American!