Race and Culture Through Out American History

It’s a fairly rare phenomenon that I am ever proven wrong. Being an expert genius I’m knowledgeable on a variety of subjects that run across the board, but alas I am not infallible. Recently, I was hanging out with some friends of mine when a certain African-American gentlemen brought up some of the racially charged jokes featured on the site. He felt that I had pushed the limits of bit, which I found odd because I was being more “middle of the road” at least compared to my normal comedic sensibilities.

I asked him what exactly he offensive, and he began an inflated critique of some of the jokes contained within. At first I was a bit puzzled by his offense, considering I’ve known him since the 1st grade. And the sheer scope and magnitude of his racist tirades (at least in terms of volume) might possibly rival the collected works of all Western literature.

Of course, my Latin friends who were present felt the need to point out that would soon be taking over this country, and it didn’t matter what either of us had to say about it. Being the helpful person I am, I in turn pointed out the fact that the United States is still about 75 percent non-Hispanic Caucasian (as my last few employment forms labeled me), and in the coming race war I will be gleefully skewering their charred and vile corpses on the pikes that will adorn our streets.

The discussion went on for several more minutes when it was finally ended by my African-American friend declaring that it was only a matter of before people took this “bitch” over. According to his theory, blacks had taken over the entertainment and sports industries, so of course total world dominations was just a step away. This puzzles both I and my Latin friends (whose ancestors were great conquerors in this land before mine ravaged their civilizations… well technically not mine since they were German horse thieves, indentured servants, and Slovaks so the only things they’ve ever mastered were spiraling unemployment and over-sized mustaches).

My Latin friend,(whom I shall call El Chalupa Grande for brevities sake) stated that my African friend (who from here shall be known as Lemon Pepper Chicken Johnson) might just have confused priorities. I pointed that conquering and running a civilization might have little to do with releasing a hit rap single about clothes and bitches, and bitches wearing clothes or slowly ruining professional sports… but I was wrong.

As every one should know the history of any particular people or country is made up of complex social and economic interactions that take over centuries. Western civilization in particular has a rich history of conquest (aboriginal, colonial, and so on), immigration, integration, trade, conflict, settlement, exploration, and hot-assed electronic beats. So is it any wonder than certain aspects of any peoples rise to greatness may get lost in the pages of time? Utilizing both the internet and a cat like curiosity, I have managed to piece together true story of Europe’s conquest of the Americas, proving my friend Mr. Lemmon Pepper Chicken Johnson was actually correct.

Rather than begin with the wider and more complex integration of those that colonized this country, let’s begin with the origins of the name itself. It is a widely accepted belief that that the German cartographer Martin Waldseemuller named the America’s after the explorer Amerigo Vespucci. Vespucci is known primarily for being the first to state that what is now “America”, or “Amerikkka” if you’re an idiot, was in fact a new previously undiscovered territory, and not a part of the Indies as was the more common belief. It was this belief that Vespucci so eloquently stated in his hit rap single “A New World of Booty” that inspired Waldseemuller to honor him so. Some historians even site carious journal entries where Waldseemuller quotes such lines as:

“Lyrically dropping fools like Leonidas
My dick so big give you gingivitis”

It is often believed that Europe’s conquest of America came from superior fire power, plus three swords, and other technologies, but a deeper look into the matter shows that it may have been far more systematic than we originally thought. In fact, the conquest by the Spanish may very well have been more of an issue of false pride, and not one of pure greed.

It is known that at the time there was an abundant of certain mineral resources, and luckily no environmentalists or celebrities to stop any one from gathering them. The native tribes where rich in gold and other metals valued by the European’s, but they did not want to share. It was Columbus himself who ina communiqué to Queen Isabella:

“These ragged ass bitches be drownin’ in blizing! I done been here for months now, and I see every one of these fools with a different chain every day of the week. Fuck these bitch ass mother fuckers! I’m Columbus! If you don’t know me you better ask somebody!”

The various tribes of America were proud strong peoples, and (as we so often see in Disney Movies) able to utilize wolf magic, and shoot spirit bears from their chests. The simple mechanical weapons of the Europeans would be no match for this so they took a more subtle approach.

Immediately the would-be conquerors began importing boat loads of neo-soul and Indy Rock musicians, basketball players, and spoken word poets. With shows like “Aboriginal Idol” and “CSI: West Indies” it was barely any time at all before the aboriginal tribes were lulled into a state of near retardation. The way was not paved for a direct attack, and it was a simple matter of force from there on.

The rest of America’s conquest is filled with similar examples. The Native American tribes to the west allowed themselves to be herded onto reservations with the promise of their own reality show, and a feature film with a production credit and two points on the back end. The South succeeded from the Union, but was ultimately defeated by the North’s excess of superior beat boxers and sulky female folk artists.

So you see, America is a nation that was not conquered by the force or superior will, but mindless entertainment. Very similar to the way Jews and homosexuals are doing it to people in modern times. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a “Real World” marathon I need to catch.