A Tribute To Martin Luther King Jr.

(This is yet another of my old Angry Rant articles which was featured on or around Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I don't remember when that is so if you're like me and are too lazy to look it up then just make up a date. I will say this article is a double edged sword as it is one of the funniest things I have ever written, but also one of the most off color (zing!). So don't hate me or report me. It's just a joke, and I was paid to do it.)

Being a white devil I know little about black history. Aside from peanut butter, and having to sit through years of Saturday morning PSA’s featuring Maya Angelou’s horrendous and self righteously smug poetry, I’m practically in the dark (no pun intended) about black history. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist. I was forced to watch Roots once in high school, and I stayed awake through at least a third of it, plus I own the soundtrack to the Wiz on vinyl (which is the way elite music professionals such as myself prefer it).

The fact is I’m a man of German/Slovakian decent who was raised Jewish, grew up going to a Jewish school, and attending temple every Friday. Every other millisecond of my early life was spent having the Holocaust rammed down my throat. As a result of having the perpetual guilt and shame of another culture shoved in my face I developed a sort of insensitivity to other cultures. So don’t blame me, blame the Jews. Hell, every one else does.

Being that today is Martin Luther King Jr. day I figured I would amend my woe begotten ways and delve into the rich tapestry that was this great man's life. Unfortunately I’m very lazy so I’m going to have to go off of what I can remember from High School and make up the rest.

The Life of Martin Luther King Jr.

(Or possibly Scatman John… I‘m not sure which)

Martin Luther King Jr. was born in El Monte, California on March 13, 1942. He was born with a severe stutter which I think caused him to get into the whole black struggle thing, you know, so he could empower himself. Over the course of his life he had accomplished many things, and was eventually immortalized in the film The Pagemaster where he was voiced by Macaulay Culkin.

Aside from his many eloquent speeches and a push towards a non violent solution to the black equality thing, further contributions include:

1) Pilates

2) The Congressional Medal of Honor

3) The Autobiography of Martin Luther King Jr.

He also had a hit song, “I’m the Scatman” which remains popular in German dance clubs to this day.

At 6:01 pm, on April 4th 1968 Martin Luther King Jr. was attacked by dragons while standing on the balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis. He fought fiercely and as brave as (if not more so) than any white man. He was left critically wounded where, with his last dying breath, he gave the now famous, “I Have a Dream” speech that they play on Nickelodeon constantly during the month of February.

According to the section entitled “Allegations of Conspiracy” in the Wikipedia article (of which I unfortunately only read the title) some people think that dark forces were behind the assassination, probably the FBI because who else would have access to dragons? He will live forever in the hearts and memories of Americans through out the rest of the time America is around and probably past that. Also there’s a picture of his face painted on side of a liquor store in my neighborhood.

If anything I’ve written here is inaccurate I sincerely apologize, as I went to a public High School, and as I mentioned before my younger years were spent attending a Messianic Jewish private school. I do know that it was great men like Mr. King that were literally responsible for a necessary evolution in our nation’s history. His push towards a non violent solution, and an attitude of empowerment, not victimization, helped to make our country into a place of great diversity and cultural… what ever. I honestly do get all teary eyed when I hear the man speak, a lot like I do when I watch movie trailers for war films. You may think that makes me gay, but if having a deep respect for a great man, and war movies, makes me gay then so be it.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

“A bene placito"