Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Excuse the title of this post. I couldn't think of a film that felt right so I just threw in the first thing that came to my head. Speaking of the head I have a huge headache after 8 hours of listening to the phone ring. We've been doing a debt consolidation project since the alarms account fell through, and it's like wandering through a really asinine desert.

Most of the people you get a hold of have no idea what you're talking about (their lead generation methods are not suited to this sort of thing), and most of those that do don't meet the strict requirements to participate in the program. At least I still have work. My only concern is that if this goes on till the end of the week I could lose my unemployment, and then have to reply should the account get dropped which is only a matter of time.

Life is still filled with rich pleasures despite everything. I've cut back on drinking, and playing video games. In fact the only things I consider worth my precious post work free time are reading and movies. I've rediscovered my love of Jackie Chan films, and even watched both Drunken Masters yesterday.

I'm gradually becoming more comfortable with my spirituality. No, spirituality isn't the right word. That's the word that people who want to believe in a higher power and get instant gratification, but to absolve themselves of personal responsibility. Sunday I got up early, and went to a care facility for the physically and mentally impaired. My parent's do a ministry there, and with some friends essentially run the chapel. I met with some residents, and talked a little, but in the end it doesn't feel like nearly enough. I could go into all the gooey and heart breaking details, but I'll keep it to myself.

Well I'm off to finish my book before King of the Hill comes on, and then rest up for another day of watching my patience slowly dwindle. Truth is I would rather be home eating your Yorkshire pudding.

Cinema Manufique

After watching Sabrina and Roberta I am in a sentimental and musical mood so here are some of my favorite musical moments in film.

The music is the thing, Laura.


Notice the camera doesn't cut once when the action pikcs up


OK she's a liberal, but what a voice



My personal philosophy



If you love Family Guy (which I don't) then you'll know they've done songs from this



Lets see Beonce and all those pop brats pull this off. One take!



Say what you will. but in a couple of days you'll be singing this to yourself.



One of the greatest songs ever written

There Will Be Blood... In My Mouth

So I arrive at work and toast myself one of the gourmet bagels they had left out for the employees, and sat down for a day of cold calling. While setting up my system I bit down into the bagel, and lost the majority of my back left molar. Long story short I've spent the majority of the day drinking my own blood, and trying not to vomit. But God is merciful.

It seems my predictions may come true. I was hearing conversations all day about how the higher ups weren't happy with the number, and at 4 they told us we'd be going home early. They even told the guy who sits behind me that he didn't need to come in tomorrow. So I think tomorrow will be my last day... again. No skin off my bum.

This was what played instead of a dial tone when I called some woman today.

Boiler Room

So the big boss pulls us into his office, and tells us that, lo and behold, the numbers stink. We're only speaking to 1/3 of our total call list, and out of that third we're only converting 10 percent. Surprisingly he wasn't blaming us, and wanted advice on how we could change the script in order to get the conversation rate up.


My Boss



Since the credit rating question was our number one problem we were told to brain storm, and figure out how we could "generalize" the question a bit more. So after about ten minutes we came up with the idea of changing

"How would you rate your credit: Excellent/Good/Fair/Poor"

to the more ambiguous

"Would you say your credit is about average or better?"

In other words the big bosses don't care about call quality they just want to make their numbers. Today's numbers were more than double the last two days, but all this means is that the project lasts until the place that hired us figures out that the quality is crap.

Here's a fact or two about my job you might not have known.

1) They have those environmentally friendly low-flow toilets that require you to flush them 63 or more times should you have to do a number 2, and that lovely Eco-friendly toilet paper that has all the comfort of wiping your bum with a gnarled wart hog corpse.

2) No one knows what any one else does. I talked to a guy who has worked there for 4 years, and he has no idea what any of the other departments do. He's in accounting by the way. So at least we know that some things are being accounted for.

3) Energy drinks are the only thing in the vending machines that cost above 45 cents (they cost 2.09, but why such and odd number?).

Other than that England brings me many joys, and many heart aches. After finishing off the 20th and final episode of the BBC series Chef! (that's 20 episodes that span three series, which is still 4 episodes less than one season of your average American television show) I am sad to say there is more... ever! I can only blame their socialized health care system.

Here's a clip



Oh, Love Acceptance Universal Relevant Augmentation!

Say What?!?!



Now here's a tutorial on how to destroy your girlfriend's sex drive.

Witchita Lineman

Here's how I spent the last two days:

"Hello is Mr./Mrs. fill in the blank available?"

"That's me"

"Hi, I'm Felonious Coleslaw calling from COMPANY NAME DELETED. How are you?"

"Fine"

"It seems you recently took a survey, and expressed interest in receiving a free alarm system. Is this correct?"

"Yep"

"Well what I want to do is ask you a few quick questions to see if you qualify for the program. Is that ok?"

"Sure"


"Do you own a home?"

"Yes"


"How would you describe your credit? Excellent/Good/Fair/Poor"

"Good" (if they answer anything other than excellent or good I drop them right quick)

"OK wait one moment while I transfer you to a specialist"


So as you can guess 80 percent of my day is spend listening to answering machines, 10 percent is spent telling people there credit isn't good enough to receive an alarm system that's mostly made up of stuff from the dollar store (literally!), add on another 9.75 percent of being screamed at, and you've got a remaining sum of .25 percent actually spent making sales.


The leads update in real time as the people fill in the survey which means there aren't enough for one person to dial, let alone two, let alone three after 5 o'clock. I will be floored if this thing lasts past Friday.

Oh, and the best part was when the three of us who remained till 7 attempted to leave, and a lanky pile in a dress shirt who called himself "The VP of Finances" (I assume this means head accountant) slides up and begins questioning us as if we had stolen in through an open window, sneaked past security, and began to engage in telemarketing.

Dear Girl At Work

I started my first day at my new/old job. The place that let me go after 7 days wanted me back. I should have started last week... well we won't go into that. Anyway, it's another outrageously boring and over paid joke so I'll enjoy it while it lasts. While I was bored I wrote an open letter to a girl that sits near me. Of course I didn't hand it to her, but here it is.

Dear Girl I Used to Work With and Now Work With Again;

Why do you always seem so nervous? It's like the very act of existing fills you with such extreme anxiety that it seems to be a force of will to simply speak. You are even incredibly nervous when you talk to your boyfriend. Why are you so nervous? If I was your boyfriend I would give you a real reason to be nervous. Because I would be a moose. Yes, that's right. In this fictional scenario I am not only your boyfriend, but also a moose. What do you think of that? Wouldn't that be akward?

How would explain it to your parents? Your friends? They would see you at a party holding a drink with me by your side. Your friends would make polite conversation before pulling you aside. "So... where did you meet him?" a friend would ask. "The internet" you would respond simply. They would look at you strange since moose don't know how to use computers. Then they would ask "And what does he do for a living?" to which you would reply "He's a radiologist" which would also be weird because moose don't have hands, and are generally hostile.

You parents would beg you to reconsider, but this would only drive you closer to me. Your mom would get drunk on Thanksgiving (as she always does) and make rude inquiries about my sexual prowess. "He's a Christian mom! He's not like that!" you would shout. Then your Dad would chastise her for making a scene. Later that night you would cry, and I would comfort you... in my moose like way, and then we would stay up together and watch the sunset, making plans to visit Europe, and see the world while growing old together. Of course moose only live 20 years at the most, but we would find a way.

Over the years we would have our share of good times and bad. There would be a pregnancy scare, we would have a blow out fight where I would show up at your doorstep in the rain begging for you to take me back, and you would. And who could forget Paris?

Eventually I would get that raise I had been aiming for, and they would even promote me to Lord of Outer Space. I would then take you for my wife, but it would be too late. You see that morning the President would announce that an asteroid will soon collide with Earth, the impact wiping all life from this planet. I would of course be fired for letting this happen as I am Lord of Outer Space. You would explain to your friends that times had been tough. I had taken up drinking, and God only knows the pressure I've been under with the boss always on my back.

Then, the moment before the end, we would look at each other, and know our love would live on forever. But it wouldn't because all life will have been obliterated dot com.

So you see how your life would be different if you were with me? Now I don't want to date you. Don't get me wrong, you're reasonably attractive, but I only go for girls with British accents.

I am so tired. Need sleep.

The Revenge of Fart Submarine

Fart Submarine is now being played on Jango internet radio! I have no idea what that means, and I think they want money, but what the heck? Here's a cartoon from our bestest Canadian friend Wall Passa!

Monoliths of Excess: From District 9 to Woodstock

After viewing District 9 I found myself walking away not enthralled or even satisfied, but depressed and vaguely grossed out. I had gone in with low expectations given the films anti apartheid pretense. Generally when Sci Fi attempts to delve into deeper issues it almost always ends up coming off ham-fisted, shallow, and more than a little silly. My opinion is that if you're going to make a film about racial tolerance then make that film. Don't bury it in CGI, because in a special effects film, special effects are usually the point.

Currently the movie holds an 88 percent positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and if you scan down the review synopsis it's mostly blurb after blurb praising the film for it's high minded ideals. What most of those reviews don't mention is that those supposed “high minded ideals” are dropped in the films last act for extreme gore, profanity, and a visual excess only seen in video games. In fact District 9 really isn't much more than a video game with intellectual pretensions.

Some reviews almost made the film sound a bit light hearted. Make no mistake District 9 is as dead serious as it is unentertaining. It's also one of the goriest main stream movies I have seen. People are disemboweled, torn to pieces, limbs are shot off then stomped on, and a world record was set for heads exploding while the eviscerated chunks cascade into the camera . I feel it necessary to also mention that the number of F-bombs dropped in District 9's last act alone out counts the combined profanity in all the films I've seen in the last two years.

Combine all this with the fact that the film is shot mostly in documentary style which serves to make the violence and torture all that more unnerving. Of course none of this is helped by the scripts constant use of well worn action film cliches (the main alien protagonist even gives the “I won't leave you behind” speech).

In a way watching District 9 was the perfect companion piece to the previous night where I attended a Woodstock anniversary film festival. The perfect summation of the evening would be the instant we arrived and nearly mowed down a woman in her late 50's who was standing in the middle of the road, back turned to oncoming traffic, and chatting obliviously on her cell phone. At what point she did notice the large speeding box of death on wheels behind her, she turned around to reveal a t-shirt with the word “fuck” emblazoned on the front.

I've always felt there was something very pathetic about a generation who considers it's pinnacle a three day rock concert, and that night only reinforced this notion. I skipped the out door impromptu jams, and immediately went in to watch a showing of the Monterrey Pop documentary. Just a couple of short performances into the film, and it occurred to me what a horrid generation of spoiled brats this was.

A generation of people who did not act, but simply reacted. Doing so in the most obvious and shallow ways they could. Every one was drugged, spaced out, and dressed like cowboy wizard hobbits. The musical performances were equally as gluttonous. From Janis Joplin's wholly unrestrained and ear shattering rendition of Ball and Chain, to Hendrix's burning of his guitar, the whole thing was completely and utterly about the spectacle and not the music. In fact most of the acts present couldn't play worth a damn, and those that could were too busy flying around the stage like angry little children.

The film was a monument to a pathetic generation's pathetic excess, and from the screen to the crowd was that generation, bloated, and drunk on nostalgia and cheap domestic beer. It was obvious these people came to act out, and they did. Hollering at the screen, playing drum solo's in their lap, talking loudly during performances, and all adorned in their well worn t-shirts and flower wreaths.

Here was the generation that rebelled against a wealth and affluence unprecedented in world history. A comfort that was handed to them, not earned, and the same generation that would later go on to consume and borrow this country into a financial hole. Now in their old age they were like a pack of wild dogs, rabid, and chaffing for an excuse to rip the flesh off of each other. A feculent stink poured from their dripping maws as they clawed and tore at each other while Grace Slick belted like a glass hammer over some sloppily played blues rock. Even the odiously fluff laden tunes of Simon and Garfunkel couldn't diminish the crowds thirst for blood... blood and Budweiser. As I looked from side to side, wondering how I would plow my way through the rotund walls of rotting hippie flesh, I knew I would be lucky to get out alive.

I realize that this entry is as excessive as the crap I put myself through over the last two days, but every dog has it's day. Me out!

One generation of cretins to the next.

Barack Obama's Golf Game

I had to post this because it's just too masturbatory to explain. It must be read as it was written.

"By MICHAEL SCHERER Michael Scherer – 2 hrs 1 min ago

Presidents, like normal people, tend to seek in others what they admire about themselves. Which brings us to the par-5 12th hole at Woodlawn golf course in Fort Belvoir, Va., on Father's Day. Vice President Joe Biden, an 8 handicap, has leaked a 3-wood into the trees near the green. He stands amid the underbrush, talking with his match-play teammate, the President of the United States. (See pictures of Presidents at the beach.)

Take a drop or risk the trees? A few inches off either way, and the ball will ricochet into the forest. The stakes aren't high: Barack Obama, who has golfed almost every weekend since it got hot in Washington, plays a dollar a hole. But these leaders have more than money on the line. They are facing down their aides, men a fraction of their age. And no one wants to lose. (See pictures of the worst golf fashion.)

After a time, Obama steps away, and Biden reaches for his wedge. The ball miraculously splits the trunks and bounds onto the green, less than 20 feet from the pin. Amid the caravan of golf carts, including those of the Secret Service detail, a doctor and the ever present nuclear-code-toting military aide, there is an eruption of applause. "Calm under pressure," Obama calls out, bequeathing to Biden his own most valued attribute. "That's why he's my Vice President."

Since Dwight Eisenhower evicted the South Lawn squirrels tearing up his putting green, every President but Jimmy Carter has been a golfer. John Kennedy was known for low scores and a graceful swing. Ronald Reagan, whose scores were a state secret, putted down the aisle of Air Force One. Bill Clinton established a reputation for fudging his score - cheating, some said - in rounds with campaign donors while chewing an unlit cigar on the tee. George W. Bush played the way his father H.W. did, like a race against time, until the last years in office, when the son banned himself from the game because he didn't want to send the "wrong signal" to the mothers of the Iraq-war dead. (Read "Ronald Reagan's Golf Balls? Step Right Up!")

Obama, who took up golf in his mid-30s as a relaxing alternative to basketball, did not find much time to play during the campaign. But now that his game is out of the closet, it is clear that he duffs in much the same way that he tries to govern. "You can really tell a person's personality by the way he plays golf," says Wellington Wilson, a longtime golf buddy. "He just goes with the flow. Not too high. Not too low." (Read "How Good is Barack Obama at Golf?")

Whereas Clinton was known to shout, curse and rehit balls until he liked his shot, Obama never cuts a corner in golf, say his companions. No mulligans. No five-foot gimme putts on the green. "I've never seen him get to the point where he just picks up," says Marvin Nicholson, the White House trip director and a regular partner. "I've seen him write a 10 down. I've seen him write an 11 down." (See the top 10 U.S. Open golf duels.)

But that doesn't mean the President always behaves like a gentleman. As in basketball, Obama is a trash-talk enthusiast who tries to get into the heads of his opponents and sucker them into taking more difficult shots. "He is very strategic about his use of it," says Eugene Kang, the 25-year-old White House special-projects coordinator, who played with the President at Andrews Air Force Base in late June. "It's always fun to make the putt and give him a nice little look at the end." (See pictures of Barack Obama's college years.)

The jawing can get especially fierce when the opponent is press secretary Robert Gibbs, with whom Obama shares some golfing characteristics. "His game is severely handicapped, as is mine," Gibbs says. (Estimates of the POTUS handicap, for which there is no official documentation, vary from 16 to 24.)

Most of the President's longtime golfing buddies say the First Game is improving. After a brief flirtation with a new Nike driver, Obama has returned to his Titleist and is still struggling to master his new hybrid woods. He putts solidly and is working on his bunker shots, once an Achilles' heel.

The President keeps the game in perspective. Most days Obama does not win or lose more than a few dollars. The Father's Day outing ended with Biden and Obama each collecting $2, though Biden paid for the hot dogs after the front nine. Wilson, who has been playing with Obama since 1999, keeps all his Obama winnings in an envelope, which he has promised as a college fund for Sasha and Malia. As of early July, the envelope contained $2.25."

The Great Divide

Well bless me, but my drinking experiment didn't go as well as I had hoped, but better than I expected. A definite reduction with bowel positive results. So I suppose that's a good starting point. Took a sleep aid last night, and went to bed early, and I have to say I had some weird and wild dreams all night long. We're talking genera crossing, big budget, Hollywood epics. Can you imagine Harry Potter meets Cloverfield meets Clue meets Night of the Daemon meets my middle school years? Well my mind can, and it did.

Other than that I've just been watching movies, and getting out when I can. Got a job interview Tuesday so we'll keep you folds updated on that. So here's a list of movies to either avoid or watch.

Miss March

You should probably avoid this. Even if you like The Whitest Kids you know. Unless you really like watching people crap themselves because it happens a lot here.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch

An interesting and odd ball rock musical. I would recommend this trippy ride unless transvestism or dudes kissing dudes really bothers you that much. Some pretty decent music too (since its essentialy a musical or one long music video if you will).

The 13th Warrior

If you're looking for a mostly plotless big budget warrior epic to fill the void in your life left by Conana then you could do a lot worse.

Witch Hunt

One of the single most heart breaking, profoundly frightening, and enraging things I have ever seen. Produced and Narrated by Sean Penn this documentary about the Kern County child molestation cases must be seen as soon as possible. Lets just say out of the 36 convictions 34 were eventually over turned, and two died in prison before they could get appeals. Proof that if government wants to get you it will get you despite the evidence. If you haven't seen this then run out and get it right now. If you're not running out to get it right now then you should be ashamed of yourself.

The Edge

A fun thriller about two men who are lost in the wilderness while being stalked by a giant bear. Written by David Mammet with lots of snappy dialogue, and plenty of nose thumbing at action conventions.

Falling Down

You know what this is. Entertaining thought its' major fault is that it can't seem to decide whether it wants to be a revenge epic based around white people's anger with a society gone out of control (ala Joe), a stupid action movie, a commentary about violence and consumption, or a drama about a man on the edge.

Zombies Anonymous

Do not watch this movie under any circumstance. If you know any one that likes this movie immediately cut all ties with them.

Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident

See above review.

Lock, Stock, and Beer Barrel

Well tonight begins the great "cutting back the drinking" experiment. Wish me luck as I doubt I will be getting much sleep. Also got some sort of a job offer from the temp company. Outbound insurance. I would rather throw myself in front of a train, but you gotta eat. As long as I got my nine, my bitches, and my nuts grasped firmly in my hand I know I'll be all right.

Fuck the police!

A Modest Proposal

Since I've been procrastinating with my project, and just watching a lot of movies I thought I would give a quick run down of what I've watched for the possible interest of others. Bare with me I just woke up.

Visioneers

A semi futuristic black comedy about American consumerism starring Zack Galifianakis. It's a
been there done that collage of similar films that mostly lacks humor or a compelling
point. The fact that the film makers mostly relied on Galifianakis to carry the film wouldn't have been a bad idea if they had given him something do to other than staring blankly for half the film.

The Machine Girl

A Tokyo Shock original. If you know what that means then what I say beyond this point doesn't matter. If you think a woman being stabbed in the head puking up bile, blood, and intestines onto her sons severed head sounds like a good time then by all means. It's not exactly my thing, but some how the violence seemed far less offensive than it should have.

The Longest Voyage

A gritty and realistic depiction of life aboard a steamer ship directed by John Ford, and starring John Wayne as well as Ward Bond, and a cast of other familiar faces. Need I say more? OK it was also nominated for six academy awards.

The Land of The Lost

Funnier than I thought it would be so if you're looking to kill 90 minutes you could do a lot worse. Starring Will Ferril and Danny McBride.

Alien Trespass

A parody of 1950's B grade sci fi flicks directed by one of the creators of the X-Files. A harmless labor of love that's more or less a pleasant good time. Worth it for all the nods at American culture in the 50's.

Islam: What the West Needs to Know

A fairly low key documentary challenging Islam as the supposed "religion of peace". Don't
expect all the bells and whistles of most modern edutainment documentaries, but a slow and
rational rant against a modern misconception. Prepare for propaganda.

State and Main

David Mammet wrote and directed this film about a major Hollywood film being shot in a small
town. An over all slap on the wrist to the industry that's more light hearted than scathing.
Wonderfully written dialogue and first rate performances make this a no brainer for Mammet
fans or any one else really.

Baghead

A "mumblecore" film (you can look it up for yourselves) about a group of emotionally stunted
30 somethings who decide to make. They hold up in a cabin in the woods, and end up being
stalked by a man wearing a bag on his head. Though not actually a horror film (the baghead
doesn't really come into play until late into the movie) it is more of a character study that I felt would have been slightly more effective if it's protagonists were teenagers. After all I don't think there's a single one of us who hasn't had the same conversations, and been in the same situations (minus the stalker) only we where 17. Still I found it compelling, and would defiantly recommend it. Shaky cam alert for those with motion sickness.

Orphan

Fuck you!

Out Of the Past

A film noir starring Kirk Douglas and Robert Mitchum. A dark story with dialogue so whip smart and stylized you can't help but be sucked in. Especially notable is the look on Jane Greer's face when Kirk Douglas slaps her in one scene, and I mean he actually slaps her, and she did not see it coming.

Night At the Museum 2: Escape From Who Gives A Shit

Soul crushing. If you're contemplating suicide then stay away from this... oh God.

Roman Holiday

This romantic comedy starring Gregory Peck and Audry Hepburn concerns a princess who wants to escape from her duties, and sneaks out into the streets of Rome, and ends up falling for
an American journalist. Most notable for a beatnik and womanizing Eddy Albert who would
later go on to star in the TV show Green Acres.