Dear Girl At Work

I started my first day at my new/old job. The place that let me go after 7 days wanted me back. I should have started last week... well we won't go into that. Anyway, it's another outrageously boring and over paid joke so I'll enjoy it while it lasts. While I was bored I wrote an open letter to a girl that sits near me. Of course I didn't hand it to her, but here it is.

Dear Girl I Used to Work With and Now Work With Again;

Why do you always seem so nervous? It's like the very act of existing fills you with such extreme anxiety that it seems to be a force of will to simply speak. You are even incredibly nervous when you talk to your boyfriend. Why are you so nervous? If I was your boyfriend I would give you a real reason to be nervous. Because I would be a moose. Yes, that's right. In this fictional scenario I am not only your boyfriend, but also a moose. What do you think of that? Wouldn't that be akward?

How would explain it to your parents? Your friends? They would see you at a party holding a drink with me by your side. Your friends would make polite conversation before pulling you aside. "So... where did you meet him?" a friend would ask. "The internet" you would respond simply. They would look at you strange since moose don't know how to use computers. Then they would ask "And what does he do for a living?" to which you would reply "He's a radiologist" which would also be weird because moose don't have hands, and are generally hostile.

You parents would beg you to reconsider, but this would only drive you closer to me. Your mom would get drunk on Thanksgiving (as she always does) and make rude inquiries about my sexual prowess. "He's a Christian mom! He's not like that!" you would shout. Then your Dad would chastise her for making a scene. Later that night you would cry, and I would comfort you... in my moose like way, and then we would stay up together and watch the sunset, making plans to visit Europe, and see the world while growing old together. Of course moose only live 20 years at the most, but we would find a way.

Over the years we would have our share of good times and bad. There would be a pregnancy scare, we would have a blow out fight where I would show up at your doorstep in the rain begging for you to take me back, and you would. And who could forget Paris?

Eventually I would get that raise I had been aiming for, and they would even promote me to Lord of Outer Space. I would then take you for my wife, but it would be too late. You see that morning the President would announce that an asteroid will soon collide with Earth, the impact wiping all life from this planet. I would of course be fired for letting this happen as I am Lord of Outer Space. You would explain to your friends that times had been tough. I had taken up drinking, and God only knows the pressure I've been under with the boss always on my back.

Then, the moment before the end, we would look at each other, and know our love would live on forever. But it wouldn't because all life will have been obliterated dot com.

So you see how your life would be different if you were with me? Now I don't want to date you. Don't get me wrong, you're reasonably attractive, but I only go for girls with British accents.

I am so tired. Need sleep.