Hell Is Empty and All The Devils Are Here

I am exhausted to the point of passing out. Family is a barren word that clawed its way up from the gaping maw of hell. Last night we had two very pleasant and attractive missionaries over for dinner. They were lovely, but the one who claimed to be a harpist caught my attention most. Unfortunately I was barely able to keep my eyes open during the entire experience.

Like last year - only this time the missionaries were chicks - we played that stupid game where the sexes battle in a competition to see who can build the best ginger bread structure, and just like last year Christine cheated. Her and her fellow cheaters used boxes and paper tubes to build a candy castle with chocolate drop turrets.

The male to female ratio was way uneven so me and my father ended up with Michelle. Of course teaming up the three laziest and least prone to care Magulas didn't result in a spectacular effort or really much of any effort at all. Bam! Graham cracker Kon-Tiki!



That's right. A snack food replica of the famous raft that explorer Thor Heyerdahl and his crew sailed from the coast of Peru to Polynesia. The mini M&Ms are fish! Speaking of Kon-Tiki I've read all the extra material included in the book and the first two chapters. It's a fascinating and exciting book.

Heyerdahl theorized that the isolated tribes of the Polynesian islands where descended from a mythic white skinned race who once coexisted with the Incans. In fact Incan mythology mentions these people, and claims that they taught the Incans architecture and mathematics. The people of the Polynesian Islands claim to be descended from a similar white skinned tribe that migrated from a mountainous region to the West which also may explain the similarities in South American and Polynesian stone work.

What is also interesting is the fact that the inhabitants of Easter Island also claim to share the same ancestry, and when European explorers first landed there they recorded seeing white skinned tribes men on the beach amongst the other people. This would explain how the essentially stone aged tribes of Easter Island had the knowledge and technology to build the large stone figures prominent on the island. Is there anything white people can't do?

It's still a largely contested theory, but at the time no one would even consider it given that it seemed impossible for these people to cross such a vast expanse of ocean due to the fact that they did not have the ability or knowledge to build boats, but instead navigated the water on rafts. Heyerdahl proved them wrong by constructed just such a raft using the exact same materials of the time and sailing it from Peru to Polynesia successfully. Proof that history is far more interesting and exciting than any work of fiction.

Anyways I ended up conking out at 9:30, but my parents misplaced their car keys, and when anything goes missing in the house - despite the fact that I have complained for years that my parents never put anything in the same place twice - I end up being blamed and both of them went marching in and out of my room three times demanding I produce the keys.

They eventually found them in my dad's pants pocket, but by that time I was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep till nearly 8 in the morning. I only got to sleep a few hours though because my sister decided today we absolutely must take a butt load family photos. So we ended up droving around trying to find an open park so that we could proceed with the miserable task.

Trust me if you're dead tired the last group of people you want to be around is my family. How would you like to be crammed into a car with two squealing twenty year olds? The entire trip Christine was pawing and biting Michelle who responded by constantly screeching at the top of her lungs. When they weren't fighting like two fatuous bear cubs they would sing out loud. Of course if I tried saying anything both my parents would immediately turn around and scream at me.

Once we got to the park we had to wait a half hour for Christine to get done talking on her cell phone. Of course Christine has little regard for comfort or sense and demanded we take all kinds of pictures hanging from playground equipment and standing near nests of mosquitoes. At one point we had to climb up into this weird dome thing that had interconnected systems of ropes in the middle. Christine set the timer on the camera and came bounding down the hill where it was placed, did some kind of weird flying scissor kick in order to make it up the ropes in time, and ended up falling backwards and getting tangled in them. So at least that happened and we all got to laugh at her.

Then we went to a golf course to meet my grandfather and uncle and ended up driving balls well after the sun went down. I am so tired I could drop down on the floor, but if I go to bed early I'll be awake in a few hours and won't be able to get to sleep until the morning. I hate this. I don't even have the energy to watch a movie. This is why we only do this once a year because it takes a whole year to forget how much these gatherings suck. Does this sound inarticulate and poorly written? I don't care. You go to hell.

Did you know that Scatman John was big in Japan? Does that even surprise you?